I have goals and plans... but i keep shooting myself in the foot. Why am I afraid of being whole? Do I have to eliminate all other options for the route chosen to be perfect? Why can't i just go, sway, love and lose. Change, grow and change again. I never cared what people thought of me before... now it's as if I can't take a step without permission. Why is it that i had more freedom as a child? Now that I'm grown and independent I feel chained. What I lack is not a voice to decide for me, but to decide with me. I am tired of being alone. I want to move off, have an adventure. Do things on my own and laugh at those who would call me immature. I know three languages. I am progressing rapidly in my knowledge of Eyeglass manufacturing. I am strong willed and dedicated to my commitments. I am scared of being tied down. I am tired of being in suburb-america, working the 9-5, pew-sitting on Sundays. But i am trapped. An unfortunate sequence of events has trapped me here. Do I have good days? Sure, plenty; I even enjoy my work place sometimes. But am I satisfied? How could I be? Everything inside of me rejects the very idea of being settled. The only thing to do, or way to meet people my age is to bar hop and dirty dance. That isn't me. This is like a repeat of living in Montana. It's beautiful, I have a good job, I enjoy my church family... but there is no life for me here.
Though, with all of these emotional stresses, I am ill as well. The illness I mention makes me feel even more insecure than I ought. I think I could handle something grand or horrific... but feminine problems? It strikes at my core, my spirit. It took me so long to be comfortable in my own skin, as a woman. I was scared of my period, I was angry at my chest, I was ticked off with makeup. Now it's just all out of sync. I hurt when I shouldn't, I bleed when I shouldn't... and I have no answer. I am so tired of this. It's gone on for months and it drains me of all positive feelings and emotions.
So I am in a place I don't want to be, with a condition I don't want to have... during a time that I'm lonely.
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