I am growing... But it's the kind of growth that is immeasurable. I want to be more loving, more trusting. I want to be more receptive of love. I want to be able to overlook offenses. I want to appreciate a person in their simplest form.
I am very hard on Aaron. I know I am. I am easily offended by people who are closest to me, and he has made attempts to be close to me. Not to say he is bending over backwards to get to know me... But he has been tip-toeing around me trying not to hurt my feelings. Instead of recognizing his efforts to NOT hurt me, I've been looking at how he still is hurting me. I have been monitoring his weaknesses. I've been keeping an eye on how he falls short and letting him know how I see it. I should be acknowledging him and his strengths. He is loving. He spreads himself super thin, but keeps loving. He seeks out people who share in his struggles and offers a listening ear. He seeks to meet peoples needs. I get so frustrated with myself because I push him away- I don't want to be his burden. He rarely opens up and allows people to meet his needs. I am so unequipped for his friendship. I don't know how to grow intentionally. I am scared of being a burden. I am scared of putting the weight of my struggles on a friend who has the weight of so many people's struggles already. I want to be there for him, but I don't know how to anymore. I'm afraid I've forced him to be so calloused towards sharing with me... I need to just shut my mouth for a little while. I want to be a listener again.