To feel trapped…

When I was little I was pretty quiet. My parents “misplaced” me a handful of times. I once was left at a restaurant on a family road trip. No one saw that I was missing until they’d been on the road for 15 minutes already. People in the restaurant thought I was kidding when I said I’d been left. Finally my parents came back for me, looking just as stressed as I was. Another time I had fallen asleep on a pew during church, so my mom left me there and took the rest of the family home (we lived in the parsonage at the time) but instead of coming back for me someone locked up the church building and everyone sat down to lunch. I woke up in a pitch black auditorium, and couldn’t leave because I was too short to unlock the building from the inside.

These are the most vivid “misplacement” experiences I can remember. I used to think that these memories had created a complex that left me feeling paranoid of being left/forgotten. But I think those are just symptomatic fears of the actual complex: I don’t like feeling trapped.

I have generally done well being by myself, if I have enough to do I won’t feel lonely. But the day I get to the point where I feel trapped, all bets are off. It’s as though something is literally tying me down. I go into fight or flight mode. I push people away. Attempts to convince me that everything will be ok are pointless… in fact, it makes me feel violated. If you know what’s going on, how I’m feeling… and your advice is to look on the bright side, you’ve just hurt me in a deep way. I’m an intelligent person, I can see and rationally trust that like always everything will be ok. But when I still can’t see the silver lining… let it be. I’m not saying to let me dwell in my depression, or in my frustration, but don’t stir it up. Just walk beside me through it and we can celebrate when we’ve reached the other side.