So... I've been sorta searching for a way to press on through my "hardships" *as I smirk* lately. Life is stupid sometimes. We all know that in the ideal world we'd all be pretty satisfied. But what about life until then? I think about how literally difficult my life can be at times- I won't even pretend. I know that my life is pretty gay at points. You all can agree/nod/slap me/feed me... i mean, com'mon! Don't deny... it's hard. But last night, as I was tossing and turned, trying to find a calm thought to settle on- aiming for a thought that'd make me tired, I reached peace. I don't remember how long it took, or what I thought about because obviously... i fell asleep. But I found peace.
What is this "peace?" Why the heck doesn't it come when IIIIII want it most? Ok... so, i don't really feel that selfish towards peace. but haven't you felt that way sometime before? "God, I want to serve you... can't I just have a break!?" I felt my heart pulling that direction all day yesterday. Why does that question sound so familiar? (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)
I'm not really a hardcore Bible scholar, but Philippians (1:22-26) seems to be an older wiser Paul writing. Paul was practically killed for the cause of Christ like... a zillion times. HOW? How can he LIVE his life like that? How can someone who is so willing to die for Jesus, live for Jesus? ---Haha... isn't that the point? How can Paul endure pain, emotional hurts, sickness, starvation and live to say "bring it on?" (Maybe not literally... but really?!) I don't want to go back to life as I've known it... the aches, pains, heartache, soreness! But Paul embraced it knowing that God needed him to be a living Martyr.
Why am I so afraid? The people I worry and pray for...(their true colors will show eventually.) Are they letting Christ work in their lives or not? Will I pass my classes? (Will I pursue knowledge instead of praying I obsorb it?) Will I find joy amidst all the hurt in my life? Will I see my parents more often than every 2 years? Will I fit in, in Mexico- letting God work through me? So many questions and I've only scratched the surface. Mostly... Will I live for Christ?
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